Relationships

Whether you're single, in a relationship, nursing a broken heart or lacking a bit of confidence, you're definitely not alone! Check out the relationship FAQ section for some useful advice - about relationships in general and some specific issues that relate to disfigurement. Quite a few people have also commented in the forum. Why not add your thoughts too?

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A It's important to remember your appearance matters too and that your attractiveness is both inside and outside. How many of us (whoever we are), take time in choosing what to wear, what style and what colour to have our hair, wearing nice shoes/boots/trainers? It is important to take care of your appearance, and beauty and attractiveness are so much more than the models and images promoted in the magazines - all these people have been airbrushed for a start and look a lot different in the flesh. Think of a positive motto you can say to yourself and practice some positive self talk in your head. Positive self talk: I am beautiful on the outside and the inside. If others can't see this, it is because they haven't taken the trouble to have a proper look.

A Telling someone about your difference if it is not immediately visible can seem quite difficult particularly if that person is a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You may already have a sense of how he or she may react based on how they about other people. If you really are not sure what they will say and you are worried how they are going to react you could do a test run. Ask them what they think about a celebrity who has scars, like Joaquin Phoenix for example, and see what their reaction is. If their reaction is a positive one then you could just tell them that you also have some scars and sometimes find it difficult to tell people in case they have a negative reaction. Your scars are just one small part of all the other great qualities about you. Your boyfriend /girlfriend wanted to be with you and saw all these other things in you too. It's unlikely they'll be bothered about your scars, although they may be curious and ask you some questions. If he/she reacts in a negative way you might want to really question whether this is someone you want to be with. I would suggest that they probably have a lot more to learn about people's differences and you are probably better off being with someone else who is not so appearance driven.

A This is always a difficult one to answer. Having a girlfriend or boyfriend feels so important especially if all your friends are going out with someone. The main thing I can say is that it will happen when the time is right although this may be hard to believe if you feel you have been trying and all the girls/ boys just want to be your friend. Two other pieces of advice... Good relationships can sometimes happen with people you are friends with. A good friendship can lead to something more as you get to know each other. You have to make sure that you like yourself. I know this may sound a little strange but if you can show that you are confident with who you are, people will feel attracted to you and want to find out more about you and spend time with you.

A It sounds like being out and about with your girlfriend is making you feel more self conscious. Sometimes being with someone who does not have a difference can make you hyper vigilant, which means you begin to look at everyone to see if they have noticed you and then start to feel that everyone is looking at you. If you do feel that people are looking at you, look back at them and smile. Also, remember your girlfriend is clearly both happy and proud to be seen with you.

A Lots of people worry about kissing e.g. whether they are doing it right or if the other person can tell that they have never kissed anyone before. The answer is that there is no proper way to kiss, but try these suggestions if you want to feel more at ease. Don't feel forced into kissing anyone, wait until you feel ready and with someone that you like. You will both move forward and kiss lightly on the lips at first. Once you have done this, the rest of the kiss will follow naturally'. You may also notice that you and the other person tilt your heads slightly (or up or down depending on the height of the other person). Try practising in private (e.g. on the back of your hand) beforehand. If you have a very close friend or sibling can you ask them in confidence for their advice too? Fresh breath is always attractive so clean your teeth twice a day and if you think it's going to happen you might want to have a mint first. I guess the main thing to remember is not to feel to anxious about it; chances are the other person is feeling just as nervous as you.

A It's time to learn how to turn off that voice inside you that's saying "I'm not worth it" and "I will never meet anyone." It may seem at the moment that you will never get that boyfriend or girlfriend but you will.

It's important to remember that appearance is important and we all want to be thought of as attractive. Personality is also very important but it is often difficult to hear phrases like: "don't worry about your face you have a lovely personality and that's what matters", and my personal favourite "oh well never mind at least you have lovely hair". These comments, even though they are meant to be helpful, can sometimes make you feel that your appearance is not valued or appreciated and that its only what's on the inside that is worthwhile. It's important to remember your outside is good too, and that you are lovely and attractive.

How many of us (whoever we are), take time in choosing what to wear, what style and what colour to have our hair, wearing nice shoes/boots/trainers? It is important to take care of your appearance, and beauty and attractiveness are so much more than the models and images promoted in the magazines. If you would like to find out more about boosting your self-esteem, feeling more positive and recognising how attractive you are, you can email me at Changing Faces and we can discuss some strategies and exercises that you can do.

A It can be really hard when brothers and sisters or friends are going out with someone and you are not. They may seem more interested in their girl / boy friend than you and you might feel left out, lonely or like it will never happen to you.

Having a visible difference does not mean you will never have a relationship (we know plenty of young people who do) but it may make you feel more self-conscious about your appearance. You might worry more about how other people view you or if they will accept you.  This might mean that you feel less confident around people (especially around someone you like), and it can be hard to work out what to do about this.

If there is someone you like, you could get their attention and let them know how you feel by giving them a simple smile or saying hi when you meet each other (try to look them in the eye when you do this).  Make some small talk if you don't feel too shy.  If you feel nervous about talking to someone you like when you are on your own with them, can you talk to them in a group when it is less intimidating?

People will often say that yes they noticed their boy/girlfriend's visible difference but after knowing them for some time they did not notice it so much.  These people think their boy / girlfriend's scars/ birthmark / facial asymmetry are just one part of who they are as a person..

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